The Judge Says

A Tale of Lost Love

2009-06-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

Still in bed at 10 am after another sleepless night.

I rolled over and touched her pillow. For a moment I thought I could smell the scent of her shampoo lingering in the air. But I knew that was impossible as it had been 4 months since she walked out the door.

Grabbed a cigarette and lit it. Funny – all of the years we were together I nagged her and tried to get her to quit smoking. Then a week after she left I found one of her old packs in the kitchen. Pulled out a cigarette. Just sat and smelled it for several minutes. Then I lit it up. When I lit the match I could see her in the flame, when I put the cigarette in my mouth I could taste her on my lips. I'd been smoking ever since.

I heard through friends that she had finally quit smoking a few weeks after she left. Life is just like that I guess.

I drug myself out of bed and walked over to the bathroom. Saw my reflection in the mirror. The shadows under the eyes. The haunted look of someone who no longer knew how to live. Who was that man?

Ran my hand through my hair and realized I hadn't showered in days. Maybe weeks. What did it matter?

Went to the window and looked out. The sky was the color of dirty cotton candy. Drops of rain ran listlessly down the window pane, disappearing into nothingness.

The phone rang.

I looked at it for a few seconds trying to decide whether to answer it. But I had forgotten how. What would I say if I picked it up?

I let it ring and went back to bed. Tried to will myself to sleep. But every time I closed my eyes I saw her.

Packing her bags. Heading out the door. I remember how she looked up at the window just before she got into Bill's car. The look on her face as our eyes met for the last time. I saw the sorrow there. And the hurt. And the regret. But no love. Not any more.

I lit another cigarette and tried not to think. Tried not to feel.Placed my hands over my eyes and peeked out through my fingers, trying to narrow my field of vision to something manageable. Stared at the peeling paint on the ceiling. If I moved my fingers the cracks took on different shapes, none of them comforting.

Rolled over and stubbed the cigarette out in one of her ashtrays. A souvenir from some trip taken in another lifetime. Reno maybe. Or Tahoe.

Tried to recall the trips, the happy times we must have had. But every image evaporated before I could seize it. Steam clouds dissipating as quickly as the happiness had.

I wanted to smash the ash tray against the wall but I didn't have the energy.

I pulled the sheets up over my head and burrowed into the bed, trying to shut out the unwelcome light.

Maybe tomorrow would be better.

I hoped to god it would be better.

But I doubted it.

Riding the Dog

2009-06-09T06:29:00.001-07:00

It was a cold friggin' night. I had been standing on the side of the road heading west outside of Omaha for 2 hours without so much as a glimmer of anyone stopping to give me a ride.

Usually I had pretty good luck hitchhiking. (This was back in 1972 before anyone worried about serial killers or being bored to death by people singing show tunes.)

I had been picked up by some interesting folks during my previous trips.

There was the French couple driving across country who shocked my Midwestern sensibilities by using the same bathroom at truck stops.

The drunk travelling salesman who was so wasted that he didn't notice I had only been in his car 5 minutes when I said "that's my exit."

The grandmother who offered me a joint.

One time a state trooper stopped. I thought I was busted for sure considering I had a bag of marijuana in my coat pocket. But it turned out his legally blind son had just finished a cross country hitchhiking trip and the trooper was doing some karma payback by giving rides to others.

But this night?

No luck.

Maybe it was the shoulder length hair (windblown and dirty from all day on the road), Army surplus jacket with the big peace sign, and bell bottom jeans.

Or maybe it was just Nebraska.

I couldn't stand it anymore and turned around and headed back into Omaha. Managed to get a ride to the Greyhound station. I bought a ticket to Boulder on a bus that left in an hour.

I went into the bathroom and threw some water in my face. It washed away some of the grime but did nothing to improve my spirits.

An elderly black man was cutting a piece of cheese in the corner. His hands shook as he sliced off a small hunk and offered it to me. I thanked him and headed into the waiting area.

Day old newspapers and candy wrappers swirled across the floor in the breeze created by the half-hearted sweeping of a janitor.

When the bus arrived I waited until everyone was almost on and then boarded. There weren't that many people.

An elderly couple who looked like they had given up on life a couple of decades ago.

Two giggling teenage girls with the kind of fresh faces that only girls who spent their whole lives in small towns have.

A hard faced man with hands the size of shovels and a nose that went in two different directions.

A few others.

I made my way to the back of the bus. In the last seat were a couple of guys in ragged clothes who looked more dishevelled than me. They were passing a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill. Gangly White Haired guy saw the slight smile on my face and raised the bottle to me. His face broke into an almost toothless grin. "Dude back at the station gave it to us man. You know what they say -- never look a gift horse in the mouth." He and his friend laughed hysterically for a few moments and then settled back into drinking.

I sank into the empty seat in front of them and tried to ignore the urine smell.

The bus headed out onto I-80. I gazed out the window a while but there wasn't much to see. Hell it was Nebraska at night so what did I expect?

A few rows ahead of me a Mexican guy was flirting across the aisle with one of the teenage girls. She seemed to like his cowboy boots.

The elderly couple staired straight ahead as if each was in a separate universe. If one of them had spoken the other surely would have shattered into a thousand pieces.

The hard faced man was reading Dante's "Inferno." Go figure.

Across the aisle from me a middle aged man in a black coat noticed the same thing. He looked at me and smiled. "You were expecting something else, weren't you?" he said.

"I suppose I was. I had him figured for more of an Evelyn Waugh type."

The man in the black coat laughed.

"Where you headed?" he asked. I told him I was going to Boulder and asked him where he was going.

"Oh I don't really know," he said. "My bus ticket goes only as far as North Platte."

"What's in North Platte?"

"Well other than the place I get off the bus I don't know. But it was as far as I could get with the money at hand."

I'm sure I had a puzzled look on my face.

"Anyway," he said. "What difference does it make? One place is as good as another."

"I suppose."

He turned and looked out the window, and after a few moments turned back towards me. He suddenly looked very tired. No -- more than just tired. Disspirited. "Ever since my Gloria died 3 years ago I've just been travelling around. Going from one place to another. I pick up odd jobs wherever I land. I'm a pretty fair short order cook and I can also handle a hammer so it isn't hard to find work. And then after awhile I just move on to wherever the bus takes me." He paused and gazed out the window again. "Listen," he said, "I'm going to nap for bit. Would you wake me when we get to North Platte?"

I told him sure and settled back into my seat. After a few minutes he was asleep.

I reached into my bag and pulled out a copy of "Catch-22" and began reading.

We took a rest stop in Kearney and I got out and stretched my legs. The two girls went off with the Mexican and the three of them lit up a joint. Hard faced man was making a call from a pay phone. I couldn't hear his words but I could feel the sadness in them -- like a minor chord played softly on a piano.

After a bit we all got back on the bus.

As I passed the old couple I saw a tear rolling slowly down the woman's cheek.

The two winos were passed out in the back, the empty Boones Farm bottle rolling slowly back and forth between their feet.

The bus started up again.

I gazed for awhile out the bug spattered windshield. Every now and then the dark night was lit by passing headlights. But it didn't last and it always got dark again.

I thought about Boulder and why I was going there. And I realized the only true answer was: "one place is as good as another."

Geirge Bush and the Spin Doctors

2007-01-16T04:51:00.000-08:00

George W. Bush is walking down a hallway in the White House. He goes up to an unmarked door, turns the doorknob, walks in and finds . . . THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

(Uh . . . Wait a minute. Hmmm. Sorry -- wrong script. Let's start again shall we?)

George W. Bush is walking down a hallway in the White House. He goes up to an unmarked door, turns the doorknob, walks in and finds a man in a dark blue suit seated behind a desk. The nameplate on the desk reads "Guy Falderal -- Minister of Spin."

Falderal: Yes, can I help you.

Bush: I got myself a little problem and I think I might need some help.

Falderal: I'm sorry sir but I can't bring your poll numbers up.. For that you'll need to go to the Ministry of Miracles. Third door on the left. Good day.

Bush: No, no. You're the right guy. It's definitely a spinology problem.

Falderal: Oh alright then, tell me what you need.

Bush: Well, you mighta heard that I got a little problem over there in Iraq.

Falderal: A "little problem?" More like a complete bollocks wouldn't you say Sir? In fact, more like a complete and royal bollocks of the first order don't you think? A complete, total, royal, first-class, head-of-the-line, make Nixon look good bollocks, wouldn't you say? A complete . . .

Bush: Yeah, yeah . . . I get it. I screwed up, ok?

Falderal: Screwed up? More like . . .

Bush: Are you gonna let me say what I need or what?

Falderal: Oh certainly sir. And what is it that you need Mr. "My poll numbers have gone farther south than a migrating waterfowl?"

Bush: Look, don't forget that I am the President of the US of A mister!

Falderal: Oh yes well, President of the United States. Leader of the Free World. Well la-di-da! And how did you get to be that eh? By exploiting the masses I wager. A little smoke and mirrors here, a Supreme Court judge in the pocket there and anyone can be president.

Bush: Can we just get on with it?

Falderal: Yes, yes, by all means, let's "get on with it." Fascist bastard!

Bush: What did you say?

Falderal: Uh, nothing, nothing at all. Just tell me your problem.

Bush: Ok. See I wanna send in more troops to Iraq and . . .

Falderal: You what?!? Are you stark raving mad?

Bush: Look, Dickie says it's a good idea and that's enough for me! Now the problem is I don't know what to call it. We can't call it an escalation because that will get the liberals' panties all bunched up.

Falderal: How about you call it "the stupidest idea since the original invasion?"

Bush: Are you gonna help me here or not? I mean, I do sign your paychecks right?

Falderal: Oh sure, play the "I'm your boss card!" Very nice. Just another minion for you to trample on. Dirty rotten chimp faced troll.

Bush: What was that?

Falderal: Nothing, didn't say a thing. Alright -- how about this. You call the build-up "a surge."

Bush: Serge? I gotta a blue serge suit but I don't see what that has to do with the price of rice in China.

Falderal: (shaking head) "Surge" with a "u" you poster boy for retroactive abortion.

Bush: 'Scuse me?

Falderal: Nothing, nothing at all. Just pointing out that it is "surge" with a "u." You know: a strong, wavelike, forward movement, rush, or sweep: the onward surge of an angry mob.

Bush: Well, I don't know about that angry mob bit, but I like the strong, forward movement idea. And so does Condi if you get my drift. Anyway surge sounds great. Let me run it by Turd Blossom and see what he says about it, but I think we got ourselves a winner.

Falderal: Oh sure, by all means run it by "Turd Blossom" that neo-Nazi porky pig and sorry excuse for a human being!

Bush: What was that last bit?

Falderal: Nothing, nothing at all sir. Good luck with the surge! (Smiles knowingly.)

The Bush Who Stole Your Rights - a Seussian fable

2006-12-29T22:57:00.000-08:00

This is the latest in my series of Seussian blogs. If you missed the others, they are:

I Am George

Bush In A Hat

The Bush Who Stole Your Rights

Every You down in Youville
Liked their rights a lot...

But the Bush, who lived in dreamland,
He did NOT!

The Bush hated rights, especially numbers 1 and 4,
And no one quite knows the why or what for.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
Or maybe, perhaps, that his tights were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain is two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his brain or his tights,
He stood there in dreamland, hating your rights,
Plotting to take them, with a sour, Bushy frown
And all the while acting like a bumbling old clown.

He plotted and schemed with his friends on the Hill
To take all your rights with their weasely skill.
With Patriot Acts numbered first one and then two
With MCAs, spying, illegal wiretapping too
Your rights were on the line, yes set up for the kill.

And then Bush and Cheney well what did they do?
Why they looked from their tower at me and at you,
They looked with their faces screwed up in a sneer
Sure that our rights would soon disappear.

But what was it they saw with their small beady eyes,
What was it that caught them, yes quite by surprise?
Senators Talent and Burns, Santorum and Allen
Joined Delay and some others among the crestfallen.

For the people in Youville spoke up loud and clear
They spoke up for the rights that they once held so dear
And Bush and his cronies looked on in dismay
The votes were all counted, what more could they say.

But people of Youville the fight is not done
For Congress might still put your rights on the run.
To Pelosi and Reid every You must write
To let them both know that the Yous have the might.

Yes let Congress know that the Yous have the might,
And if they screw it all up you'll take THEM the fight.

2006-09-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

Through use of a top secret new means of time travel, JudgeB News Wire has obtained a copy of the September 5, 2020 "Where Are They Now" edition of People Magazine. We provide some of the highlights for your reading pleasure.

Condoleezza Rice: The 2008 Republican nominee for president, who was forced to drop out of the race after embarrassing photos of a ménage a trois with George & Laura Bush surfaced on the Internet, is now in her fifth year as the Commissioner of the National Football League. Working closely with former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is chief legal counsel to the NFL, Rice has had a controversial tenure racked with accusations that she favors the richer, more established teams. Among the more controversial rules drafted by Gonzales and implemented by Rice are the "Pre-emptive strike" where the first team on the field can start its offense even if the referee has not officially started the game, and the "Gatorade Dunk" where the team that is behind at half-time is allowed to hold the opposing quarterback's head in a barrel of Gatorade to try to find out the team's game plan before the start of the second half, as long as the quarterback does not actually drown.

Sylvester Stallone: Now filming Rocky X, in which Rocky and Apollo Creed enter the steel cage for a cribbage Alberto GonzalesAlberdeath match for the championship of the Bel Harbour Retirement Home. ("Adrian! Adrian! Where's the Metamucil?")

Osama bin Laden: Living comfortably on his CIA pension on the French Riviera.

Katherine Harris: After losing badly in the 2006 Congressional race, Harris went on to become an Olympic figure skating judge. She became embroiled in a judging scandal at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver when she was accused of manipulating the scoring in favor of the U.S. skaters. She now works as a skating commentator for Fox News, where she is considered fair and unbiased.

The Rolling Stones: Now in the midst of their 25th Annual Farewell Tour, Mick and the boys have re-worked some of their famous songs, including "Walking Jack Flash," "Let's Spend the Nap Together, "Satisfaction Is A Bowel Movement," "My 19th Colonoscopy," "Can't You Hear Me Fallin'," and "Street Shuffling Man."

Karl Rove: Runs a Madison Avenue ad agency famous for a Burger King campaign accusing Ronald McDonald of being a child molester ("the fiend behind the funny nose").

Dick Cheney: The former Vice-President returned to work at Halliburton in 2009. After Halliburton and its pension plan suddenly went bankrupt (see below), Cheney has been forced to live on social security and Medicare. When contacted recently about his plight, Cheney's only comment was "What f**king as**ole designed this @#$!!$# prescription plan?"

George Bush: The former President became CEO of Halliburton in 2009. Within two years the company was bankrupt. Bush then attempted to buy the Dallas Cowboys, but NFL Commissioner Rice blocked the sale saying "I am not letting that idiot near any of my teams!" The ex-President now spends most of his time at his presidential library in Crawford, Texas working on his memoirs. Asked about his post-White House life, Bush said, "It's all good. That Halliburton stuff, that was just one of those things of being in the right place at the right time. . . I mean being in the wrong . . . of being in place. Coulda happened to anybody. Coulda happened to you or me, well it did happen to me but that means it coulda happened to me too, I mean if it did then it coulda and if it coulda then it did you know what I mean?"

Tom Cruise: The former box office star . . . wait . . . who really cares?

Oprah Winfrey: After completing her second term of office, former U.S. President Winfrey and her Secretary of the Interior Martha Stewart opened a bed and breakfast Inn in Cape Cod. Business has been good despite reported tensions between the two about the best way to fold down the sheets

Captain Kirk Solves The Mideast Crisis

2006-08-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder how some of our great fictional leaders and heroes from TV & movies would handle the Middle East crisis? No? Really? I'm the only one? I feel so lonely . . .

Capt. James T. Kirk Relevant quote: "I'm a soldier, not a diplomat."

After seducing the most beautiful woman he can find, he orders Scotty to divert all power to the phasers and fire a warning shot over the Gulf of Oman. Kirk then challenges each of the opposition leaders to a fight, mano a mano, and after beating each of them beams back to the Enterprise and flies off to another part of the galaxy, convinced that fear of his return will keep everyone in line. Everyone agrees to maintain peace as long as they do not have to watch Kirk "emote" any more.

Capt. Jean Luc Picard Relevant quote: "Open your mind to the past, to history, art, philosophy. And then this will mean something."

After Riker seduces the most beautiful woman he can find and Worf knocks some heads together, Picard has Geordi beam all of the leaders to the Enterprise conference room where he gives them Earl Grey tea, hot. No one leaves until theyve agreed to live in peace and harmony and respect each others culture.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (the Andy Griffith Show) Relevant quote: "When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me."

Andy invites everyone to his house for some of Aunt Bea's famous peach pie. After explaining how everything would be better if they all just got along, everyone agrees to sign a peace treaty because, gosh darn it, Andy is just so nice. Then they all go fishing.

Bond, James Bond Relevant quote: "I know the rules, and number one is 'no deals'."

Ordered to go to Lebanon, he flies into Cairo instead in a stealth jet equipped with a wet bar. In Cairo meets up with an American spy and makes love with her on the back of the Sphinx. Drives around the Mideast in an Aston Martin seducing every woman he sees. Ultimately assassinates leaders of all of the factions. It doesn't solve anything but he looks great doing it. (Except for George Lazenby, who merely looked ok.) Has a martini (shaken, not stirred) to toast the British Empire, not realizing it doesn't exist anymore.

Kwai Chang Caine (Kung Fu): Relevant quote: "Master, I am troubled. We learn to make powerful the force of out bodies. Yet we are taught to reverence all against whom we may use such force."

Goes to the Mideast and spends the first 55 minutes preaching peace and non-violence. Then spends 5 minutes kicking butt. In slow motion. Everyone agrees to a peace treaty so they won't have to listen to him say things like "As a wave upon an ocean, a single flower in a field of many, what will the people ask of me?"

Rambo: Relevant quote: "I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe."

Starts WW III.

Batman & Robin (60's TV version) Relevant quote:

Robin: "You give yourselves up without a struggle, we'll try and make things easier for you."
Batman: "And if not you may be severely pummelled about the head and shoulders."

After swooping into Lebanon in the Bat Plane, the Dynamic Duo round up all of the leaders by promising them free lemonade and cake. Once the leaders are all assembled, they laugh so hard at Batman & Robin's costumes that they drop all of their weapons. Next thing you know, BAM, POW, SPLAT . . . the Caped Crusaders have tied them all up with bat ropes. Batman and Robin then proceed to torture them with bad puns (an act expressly prohibited by the Geneva Convention) until all the leaders agree to world peace.

Robin: "Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!"
Batman: "I wasn't scared in the least."
Robin: "Not at all?"
Batman: "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?"
Robin: "Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!"
Batman: "I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."

Ronald Reagan: Relevant quote: "Well, there you go again."

Reagan . . . uh wait . . . was he a fictional character or a real person? I get so confused.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Relevant quote: "Come on, we fight monsters, this is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat them up, and they go away."

Is there anything more to say? Buffy goes to the Mideast, saves her friends who have somehow managed to get captured, kicks butt, and the bad guys on both sides slink back home never to fight again.

The Job Interview (Apologies to Monty Python)

2006-07-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

Scene: inside of an anonymous looking concrete building in Washington D.C. think utilitarian 60's architecture. Bob, dressed impeccably in his best grey flannel suit, walks down the hall under flickering fluorescent lights. He comes to a door marked "United States Dept. of Torture a Subdivision of Halliburton" and walks in. Seated behind a plain metal desk is a man in a black suit.

Bob: Good morning. I've come about the job.

Man in the Black Suit: Job, what job?

Bob: The one you advertised in the paper.

Man in the Black Suit: We didn't advertise a position.

Bob: Is this room 666?

Man in the Black Suit: Yes.

Bob: Right then. The ad said "Experienced torturers wanted. Several openings. Must be willing to relocate to Eastern Europe. Apply Room 666." So, I'm here to apply.

Man in the Black Suit: There must be some mistake. We don't hire torturers. Why, I never heard of such a ridiculous thing. (Looks around nervously)

Bob: What about the sign on the door then?

Man in the Black Suit: Sign? There's no sign on the door.

Bob: There most certainly is.

Man in the Black Suit: There most certainly is not.

Bob: Oh yes there is. Big as life. A right proper sign with letters and words and everything.

Man in the Black Suit: Look, who works in this office me or you?

Bob: You, I suppose, although I can't say I've seen you do any work.

Man in the Black Suit: Right then, if I am the one working here then I should know whether there is a sign on the door, and I say there isn't.

Bob walks over to the door, opens it and points at the sign.

Bob: Here now, what's this then?

Man in the Black Suit pulls a screwdriver from his desk drawer, walks over to the door and removes the sign. He puts the sign and the screwdriver in his drawer.

Man in the Black Suit: What's what? I don't see a thing.

Bob shakes his head.

Bob: So you're not looking to hire an experienced torturer then?

Man in the Black Suit: Of course not!

Bob starts to get up.

Man in the Black Suit: Hang on a minute. Did you say you were an experienced torturer?

Bob: Oh yes, quite experienced. Just ask my three ex-wives. Ha ha -- that was just a joke. No, I didn't really torture my ex-wives. Well, not all of them anyway. Just kidding! Now my neighbors, that's a different story. Right bunch of wankers deserved everything they got! Especially that wanky Dennis Moore. Now if ever there was a wanker deserved torturing it was that bastard!

Man in the Black Suit: Yes, yes, I'm sure. Tell me, what would you say are your strengths as a torturer?

Bob: Sorry, what did you say?

Man in the Black Suit: I said, what would you say are your strengths as a torturer?

Bob: Well I'm really quite good at dragging my fingernails across a blackboard. Oh yes, quite good at that.

Man in the Black Suit: Dragging your fingernails across a blackboard? You call that torture!?!

Bob: It is really quite effective, particularly if you follow it up with Barry Manilow karaoke.

Man in the Black Suit: No, no that won't do at all. The Geneva Convention specifically prohibits the use of any Barry Manilow songs.

Bob: Well I'm also quite good with bubble gum.

Man in the Black Suit: Bubble gum!?! How is that torture?

Bob: Have you ever tried to get it out of your hair? Let me tell you that is real torture!

Man in the Black Suit: This is ridiculous!

Bob: Not a pretty sight either I can tell you. Especially the grape flavor. That purple food coloring just ruins all of the highlights. Have to use a special shampoo to get that out, oh yes not an easy thing at all. And if you make the mistake of mixing the grape and the strawberry flavors? Well . . .

Man in the Black Suit (interrupting): Look, if this were an office that had anything to do with torture, which it isn't, and if we were hiring, which we aren't, I'm afraid you just would not be qualified for a position. Blackboards and bubble gum indeed!

Bob: Not qualified! I'll have you know I have spent the past 5 years as a telemarketer!

Man in the Black Suit: Well why didn't you say so in the first place old chap! Here, I know I have an application in here somewhere.

Man in the Black Suit rummages through desk.

Man in the Black Suit: Here we are. Just need you to sign this loyalty oath and the form attesting that you do not know anyone working at the New York Times, and then give me some proof of citizenship and you're on your way.

Bob: Citizenship! Well, that's an awful lot to ask.

Man in the Black Suit: Oh, you must be a citizen to work here I'm afraid.

Bob: Hang on -- I contributed money to the President's re-election campaign!

Man in the Black Suit: Well, just this once then I suppose. It's just a piece of paper after all.

************************

The Rest of the Bush-Blair Transcript

2006-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. a JudgeB Newswire exclusive

As has widely been reported a microphone picked up off the record comments between President Bush and Prime Minister Blair at a G-8 luncheon. Many sources have published transcripts of the conversation. However, there were several parts of the tape that were inaudible.

But then the technicians at The Center for Making Inaudible Things Audible got a copy of the tape. Through their use of sophisticated computer audio enhancement techniques, they have provided us with the following additional transcript. This part picks up right after Bush tells Blair that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will be sent to the Mid-East to address the current crisis.

Blair: You always give her the best assignments!

Bush: Now don't get your panties all bunched up. I gotta make her look good to help in getting her the 2008 presidential nomination.

Blair: I understand that, but you have to help me out here George. I'm sinking in the ratings too!

Bush: You want to take Canada back? Cuz we won't stand in the way if you do. Frankly I'm a little tired of everyone saying their health care system is better.

Blair: No that won't do. I don't want to have to deal with that whole Quebec headache. Let me take the lead on this latest Mid-East problem.

Bush: Well I'm sorry, Ton, but I can't let you do that. I've already told you I've promised Condi she can take the lead.

Blair: This isn't about politics, is it George. This is about you and her.

Bush: Now Ton, you know that isn't true. All those rumors are just idle gossip.

Blair: Really George? Don't forget I was at Camp David the night the two of you went for your little moonlit walk. It looked to me like you were invading more than Iraq that night.

Bush: Now that's just cold.

Blair: I'm sorry George. It's just that, since you started up with her you never call any more. Have you forgotten those wonderful nights at last year's G-8? Am I just a memory George?

Bush: Aw come on Ton. You know you'll always be the Big Dog with me.

Government Shuts Down Blog

2006-07-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION: This Blog has been suspended by order of the Department of Homeland Security! The owner of this blog has violated the US Patriot Act by abusing his so-called right to free speech by questioning Administration policy, and by repeatedly describing the President as an inarticulate toad.

If you are reading this notice, or have ever read this blog, you must report to the nearest Office of Homeland Security within 24 hours.

Please bring the following documents with you (NOTE: if you have donated at least $10,000 to each of President Bush's election campaigns we will assume you stumbled across this blog by accident and you can skip steps 1 - 3) otherwise, bring:

1) your original social security card
2) a copy of your birth certificate
3) letters from five US citizens who have known you for at least 20 years and who can attest to your good moral character.

Additionally, if your family has not lived in the United States for at least three (3) generations, please bring a family tree showing every ancestor going back to 1800. The tree should identify country of birth and political affiliation for each ancestor.

Please de advised that if you are a Muslim, look like a Muslim, have ever talked to a Muslim, or have ever sat next to a Muslim in a public place you will be detained until a complete background check has been completed.

If you are now or have ever been a member of the ACLU, Amnesty International, Greenpeace, PETA, People for the American Way, the SPCA , any labor union, the Ellen Degeneres Fan Club, a book group that has read anything by Kurt Vonnegut, or any of the 162,165 groups noted on our Subversive Groups list* please be prepared to renounce your membership immediately. Failure to do so will require further detention and meetings with our Re-education Committee.

* For a complete list of those groups designated as subversive go here

By order of:

Michael Chertoff

Secretary of Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security: Protecting the Rights We Think You Should Have Since 2001

The Truth About Kenneth Lay's Death

2006-07-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

The Truth About Kenneth Lay

As regular readers of my MySpace blog know, I am not a big fan of conspiracy theories. Nonetheless, even I get suspicious when a series of "coincidences" are just too convenient. Take the case of the "death" of Kenneth Lay.

Don't you find it a little odd that on the day the space shuttle Discovery finally launches the Lay family announces that he has "passed away?" An occurrence that, if true, would save the family from financial ruin?

(Lay's Death Complicates Efforts to Seize Assets
By SIMON ROMERO
In yet another bizarre twist to the Enron saga, the sudden death of Kenneth L. Lay may have spared his survivors financial ruin. http://www.nytimes.com/)

And add in the fact that, as well reported in numerous blogs today, Vice President Cheney has invested somewhere between 10 - 25 million dollars in European bonds. (An aside: how can he not know whether it is 10 or 25 million? I mean, we aren't talking pocket change even for the rich!) You may ask: what does that have to do with anything? Well, read on: what is Discovery's mission? To test shuttle-inspection techniques, deliver supplies to the international space station and drop off European Space Agency astronaut Thomas Reiter for a six-month stay.

Hmmm. "Thomas Reiter" eh. Why wouldn't NASA release a photo "Reiter?" Because it wasn't him on the shuttle!

Here is what I think happened. Lay was about to be sentenced to what would, in practical terms, be a life sentence in prison. Sources inside the Justice Department said Lay was about to offer up Cheney in return for home detention. Cheney got wind of this and, of course, needed to get Lay out of the way. Cheney tried to get Lay to go hunting with him, but Lay was too smart for that. His fall back position: fake Lay's death.

The millions Cheney supposedly invested in European bonds went to Thomas Reiter and his family as hush money. They are now living in an undisclosed villa in the south of France.
Lay and his family went along with it because it is the only way to keep the family fortune from being seized by the Feds. And Lay decided he would prefer life aboard the international space station to being locked in a cell with Bubba and his friends in the event his attempted plea deal failed.

So there you have it. The truth about the "death" of Kenneth Lay. You read it here first.

OF COURSE CONGRESS DESERVED THE RAISE!

2006-06-28T21:35:00.000-07:00

Ok. Time to open up the mailbag and answer the burning political questions of the day.

Dear Judge, Given your esteemed position at the Ridgemont Maximum Security Mental Hospital, it is really important for me to know whether you think Congress deserved the pay raise they just gave themselves. Yours truly, Michael

Dear Michael,

Of course Congress deserves the raise! Do you know how difficult it is to survive on the paltry $165,000 base salary they get? Oh sure, they might get the occasional free junket to France, and the odd $100,000 cash to put in the freezer, but really -- $165K just does not buy what it used to. I mean, back in the day that might have bought you some pretty decent wheels, but now it barely covers a new Mercedes-Benz CL 600.

And don't forget how hard they are working for their salaries! Ok, they are on track to work the fewest days of any Congress in the last 60 years but consider the weighty matters they have been tackling: gay marriage, flag burning, English as an official language . . . come on, this is money well spent!

The Judge

PS Dig the mask

Dear Judge, Do you think it is hypocritical for Congress to give themselves a raise while refusing to raise the minimum wage? I work as a repo man and can barely get enough together for a shrimp cocktail, so it seems pretty lame to me. Otto Maddox

Dear Otto,

Youre comparing apples to oranges. You can not compare the value to society of a rich member of the corporate elite with that of a poor working stiff like yourself. I mean who are we going to reward: the one who keeps the economy rolling along by giving his friends big tax breaks so they have more disposable income to spend on Jack Abramhoff, or the loser at the bottom of the food chain. No contest on this one.

The Judge

Dear Judge, Are you really a judge, or do you just play one on the Internet? Signed, Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,

Well, this is not a political question, but given the huge number of people who ask, yes I am a real judge. In fact, I am a Grandmaster Official Tertiary of the Bullfrog Society (GOT BS), and I am certified to judge bullfrog competitions at the highest international level. And I want to take this opportunity to say that those nasty rumors about me being involved in the tragic incidents at last years National Championships are completely unfounded. I had nothing to do with the fact that the apparent winner, Georgious Bushshit II, was run over by a Mack truck while taking a hard right out of the convention center. I was nowhere near Bushshit when it happened, and if I was near it wasnt that near, and besides I didn't even know there was a truck there and it is a pure coincidence that a shoe that resembles the one I was wearing that day was seen kicking Bushshit's butt. So let's just squelch that rumor right now!

The Judge

Dear Judge, Would you ever sleep with some random stranger you met on MySpace? Signed, Secret Admirer

Dear Secret Admirer,

Again, not a political question, but one I get all the time. Go back and read my profile. Didn't you see the part about me being happily married? So STOP asking me to sleep with you! (NOTE: if you are Natalie Portman disregard the previous sentence. Or Sonja Braga. But if youre Angelina Jolie the whole Billy Bob thing was just too scary so you go away too. Now if you are Brad Pitt . . .)

The Judge

Dear Judge, Can you explain the difference between the Carl Levin sponsored Democratic plan for Iraq and the Bush plan? Signed, Confused in Iowa

Dear Confused in Iowa,

Sure. Levin's plan, backed by most Senate democrats, would have required the President to begin withdrawing troops once he decided the military situation warranted it. The Bush plan does not require him to do anything. So the difference is that the Levin plan would have been the Senate telling Bush to do whatever he wants, while the Bush plan is him telling himself to do whatever he wants. Got it?

The Judge

Dear Judge, Can you tell me who to vote for in 2008 if the choice is between Hillary Clinton and John McCain? Singed Anxious Voter

Dear Anxious Voter,

Tough call. On the one hand you have a pro-war hawk who has sponsored a law to make flag burning a federal crime, supports the federal death penalty, and who has adopted a more conservative position on immigration than George Bush, and on the other hand you have McCain. Can you give me another choice?

The Judge

Dear Judge, Are you as appalled as we are that the Attorney General is threatening to prosecute the New Your Times for publishing stories about NSA spying and the administration prying into bank records? Signed ERIC LICHTBLAU and JAMES RISEN.

Dear Eric & James,

Of course not! You reporters have to realize that there is a war against nouns going on. In the context of that war, the first amendment will just have to sit this one out. Look, the President has assured us that they are only looking at the records and listening to the phone calls of the bad guys, and if you can not trust the President, then who can you trust? So lay off until we get this noun war over okay?

Thats all the time for the mailbag today Readers. Check back for more later!

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SEARS TOWER "TERRORISTS"

2006-06-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C. a JudgeB Newswire exclusive

Today a highly placed source in the Justice Department leaked key background information on the 7 terrorists accused of plotting to blow up the Sears Tower. The information calls into question the accuracy of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' statements concerning the alleged plot.

The Justice Department source provided to JudgeB Newswire a transcript of a secretly taped conversation from the White House oval office. It seems that some bugging equipment was left over from the Nixon administration, unbeknownst to President Bush. The following is a selected portion of the transcript. The speakers are Karl Rove (R), FBI Director Robert Mueller (M), and President Bush (B).

R: Dammit Bob, we need some help here! Ws numbers suck and we didn't get enough bump from the Iraqi junket. What we need is something to really shake the sheep up. Haven't you learned anything useful from all the wiretaps?

B: Don't be so hard on him Turd Blossom. Don't forget the taps got us the lead on that hot land deal.

M: Thanks Chief. Look Karl, I've been thinking about this and I think I have an angle. We've been monitoring some suspicious groups and with a little nudge from us I think we could work up a "home grown terrorist" angle.

R: Perfect! Nothing will scare the shit out of them better than that! Tell me about some of these groups.

M: Well there's this group called the Raging Grannies out in Seattle. Sing a lot of pinko songs. Clearly al-Qaeda sympathizers. Well, they never actually mention al-Qaeda, but the signs are there.

R: Bob, are we talking actual grandmothers?

M: Well, yeah.

R: Are you nuts! I can get people to believe a lot -- look at the whole WMD story -- but grandmothers? -- that's too much. What else you got.

M: There's this group in Atlanta that call themselves the Southern Resistance. We have some great tapes of them trashing the troops, blaming 9/11 on the CIA, and swearing allegiance to the Koran. Hundreds of hours of cell phone calls.

R: Sounds promising. Any weaknesses for us?

M: Well . . . they are all still in grade school.

B: What is America coming to. Grade school kids with unlimited cell phone minutes!

R: There must be something better than this Bob.

M: Let's see. We've got a group of inmates at a mental hospital in Kansas talking about blowing up pigs in solidarity with the Muslims. There's this couple in Detroit raising money for Iraqi war orphans, but it could be a front since some of the orphans might be children of al-Qaeda members. Oh, and there's this group down in Miami that we heard have been planning some sort of ground invasion of the US.

R: A what?

M: Yeah, thats what I thought. But look, they live in Liberty City which is where some of the 9/11 hijackers stayed. They are self-proclaimed followers of radical Islam. And the neighbors say they hang out wearing Ninja costumes at all hours of the night outside this warehouse. I think we can work with this.

R: Do they have any weapons? Explosives?

M: No, but we could offer to sell them some.

R: Are they from Iraq? Any ties to al-Qaeda?

M: Uh . . . no. Five are U.S. citizens, one is a legal resident, and the seventh is an illegal from Haiti. No ties to al-Qaeda.

R: This is the best you've got?

M: Well, I like going after the Raging Grannies myself . . .

R: NO! We'll have to go with these Miami Ninja warriors. But the land invasion thing is not going to fly. We need to think of a plausible target.

B: How about the Oakland Coliseum? I hate the way those A's keep beating up on my Rangers.

R: Just ignore him Bob, I do. I was thinking we should make it some big building, maybe in the Midwest so we can spread the fear

M: Well the Sears Tower is the tallest building in the US.

B: It is?

R: Good idea, Bob. You think you can get an undercover guy in there to plant this idea?

M: No problem. You offer these guys a little notoriety and money, and we can get them to say anything on tape.

R: Alright. Do it. The only question is whether to pull the trigger on this now or wait until closer to the mid-term. Hmmm . . . hell, lets do it now before the damn numbers get any lower.

M: Im on it.

B: Listen, Bob. If youre sending a man down to Miami could you have him get me an order of stone crab from Joes? Jeb never sends me any.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

When asked about the above tape at a news conference today, President Bush denied the conversation ever took place. "Look," Bush said, "I would know if I was there and I was in on this whole conversation thing. But I was not there and I was not in on any conversation and so I don't know anything. Or nothing. I think this is one of those 'known unknowns' that Rummy is always talking about. I do like stone crab though."

In a related development, the Justice Department announced today that 5 members of the "Al Kady for Commissioner" committee had been arrested on charges of being a front for al-Qaeda. Mr. Kady, who is running for water commissioner of Scott County, Iowa, denied any ties to terrorists. White House spokesman Tony Snow responded, "That's what they all say."