THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SEARS TOWER "TERRORISTS"

Washington D.C. a JudgeB Newswire exclusive

Today a highly placed source in the Justice Department leaked key background information on the 7 terrorists accused of plotting to blow up the Sears Tower. The information calls into question the accuracy of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' statements concerning the alleged plot.

The Justice Department source provided to JudgeB Newswire a transcript of a secretly taped conversation from the White House oval office. It seems that some bugging equipment was left over from the Nixon administration, unbeknownst to President Bush. The following is a selected portion of the transcript. The speakers are Karl Rove (R), FBI Director Robert Mueller (M), and President Bush (B).

R: Dammit Bob, we need some help here! Ws numbers suck and we didn't get enough bump from the Iraqi junket. What we need is something to really shake the sheep up. Haven't you learned anything useful from all the wiretaps?

B: Don't be so hard on him Turd Blossom. Don't forget the taps got us the lead on that hot land deal.

M: Thanks Chief. Look Karl, I've been thinking about this and I think I have an angle. We've been monitoring some suspicious groups and with a little nudge from us I think we could work up a "home grown terrorist" angle.

R: Perfect! Nothing will scare the shit out of them better than that! Tell me about some of these groups.

M: Well there's this group called the Raging Grannies out in Seattle. Sing a lot of pinko songs. Clearly al-Qaeda sympathizers. Well, they never actually mention al-Qaeda, but the signs are there.

R: Bob, are we talking actual grandmothers?

M: Well, yeah.

R: Are you nuts! I can get people to believe a lot -- look at the whole WMD story -- but grandmothers? -- that's too much. What else you got.

M: There's this group in Atlanta that call themselves the Southern Resistance. We have some great tapes of them trashing the troops, blaming 9/11 on the CIA, and swearing allegiance to the Koran. Hundreds of hours of cell phone calls.

R: Sounds promising. Any weaknesses for us?

M: Well . . . they are all still in grade school.

B: What is America coming to. Grade school kids with unlimited cell phone minutes!

R: There must be something better than this Bob.

M: Let's see. We've got a group of inmates at a mental hospital in Kansas talking about blowing up pigs in solidarity with the Muslims. There's this couple in Detroit raising money for Iraqi war orphans, but it could be a front since some of the orphans might be children of al-Qaeda members. Oh, and there's this group down in Miami that we heard have been planning some sort of ground invasion of the US.

R: A what?

M: Yeah, thats what I thought. But look, they live in Liberty City which is where some of the 9/11 hijackers stayed. They are self-proclaimed followers of radical Islam. And the neighbors say they hang out wearing Ninja costumes at all hours of the night outside this warehouse. I think we can work with this.

R: Do they have any weapons? Explosives?

M: No, but we could offer to sell them some.

R: Are they from Iraq? Any ties to al-Qaeda?

M: Uh . . . no. Five are U.S. citizens, one is a legal resident, and the seventh is an illegal from Haiti. No ties to al-Qaeda.

R: This is the best you've got?

M: Well, I like going after the Raging Grannies myself . . .

R: NO! We'll have to go with these Miami Ninja warriors. But the land invasion thing is not going to fly. We need to think of a plausible target.

B: How about the Oakland Coliseum? I hate the way those A's keep beating up on my Rangers.

R: Just ignore him Bob, I do. I was thinking we should make it some big building, maybe in the Midwest so we can spread the fear

M: Well the Sears Tower is the tallest building in the US.

B: It is?

R: Good idea, Bob. You think you can get an undercover guy in there to plant this idea?

M: No problem. You offer these guys a little notoriety and money, and we can get them to say anything on tape.

R: Alright. Do it. The only question is whether to pull the trigger on this now or wait until closer to the mid-term. Hmmm . . . hell, lets do it now before the damn numbers get any lower.

M: Im on it.

B: Listen, Bob. If youre sending a man down to Miami could you have him get me an order of stone crab from Joes? Jeb never sends me any.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

When asked about the above tape at a news conference today, President Bush denied the conversation ever took place. "Look," Bush said, "I would know if I was there and I was in on this whole conversation thing. But I was not there and I was not in on any conversation and so I don't know anything. Or nothing. I think this is one of those 'known unknowns' that Rummy is always talking about. I do like stone crab though."

In a related development, the Justice Department announced today that 5 members of the "Al Kady for Commissioner" committee had been arrested on charges of being a front for al-Qaeda. Mr. Kady, who is running for water commissioner of Scott County, Iowa, denied any ties to terrorists. White House spokesman Tony Snow responded, "That's what they all say."