The Judge Says

Sometimes satirical, usually political, always with a progressive bent.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Captain Kirk Solves The Mideast Crisis

Ever wonder how some of our great fictional leaders and heroes from TV & movies would handle the Middle East crisis? No? Really? I'm the only one? I feel so lonely . . .


Capt. James T. Kirk Relevant quote: "I'm a soldier, not a diplomat."

After seducing the most beautiful woman he can find, he orders Scotty to divert all power to the phasers and fire a warning shot over the Gulf of Oman. Kirk then challenges each of the opposition leaders to a fight, mano a mano, and after beating each of them beams back to the Enterprise and flies off to another part of the galaxy, convinced that fear of his return will keep everyone in line. Everyone agrees to maintain peace as long as they do not have to watch Kirk "emote" any more.


Capt. Jean Luc Picard Relevant quote: "Open your mind to the past, to history, art, philosophy. And then this will mean something."

After Riker seduces the most beautiful woman he can find and Worf knocks some heads together, Picard has Geordi beam all of the leaders to the Enterprise conference room where he gives them Earl Grey tea, hot. No one leaves until theyve agreed to live in peace and harmony and respect each others culture.


Sheriff Andy Taylor (the Andy Griffith Show) Relevant quote: "When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me."

Andy invites everyone to his house for some of Aunt Bea's famous peach pie. After explaining how everything would be better if they all just got along, everyone agrees to sign a peace treaty because, gosh darn it, Andy is just so nice. Then they all go fishing.


Bond, James Bond Relevant quote: "I know the rules, and number one is 'no deals'."

Ordered to go to Lebanon, he flies into Cairo instead in a stealth jet equipped with a wet bar. In Cairo meets up with an American spy and makes love with her on the back of the Sphinx. Drives around the Mideast in an Aston Martin seducing every woman he sees. Ultimately assassinates leaders of all of the factions. It doesn't solve anything but he looks great doing it. (Except for George Lazenby, who merely looked ok.) Has a martini (shaken, not stirred) to toast the British Empire, not realizing it doesn't exist anymore.


Kwai Chang Caine (Kung Fu): Relevant quote: "Master, I am troubled. We learn to make powerful the force of out bodies. Yet we are taught to reverence all against whom we may use such force."

Goes to the Mideast and spends the first 55 minutes preaching peace and non-violence. Then spends 5 minutes kicking butt. In slow motion. Everyone agrees to a peace treaty so they won't have to listen to him say things like "As a wave upon an ocean, a single flower in a field of many, what will the people ask of me?"


Rambo: Relevant quote: "I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe."

Starts WW III.


Batman & Robin (60's TV version) Relevant quote:

Robin: "You give yourselves up without a struggle, we'll try and make things easier for you."
Batman: "And if not you may be severely pummelled about the head and shoulders."

After swooping into Lebanon in the Bat Plane, the Dynamic Duo round up all of the leaders by promising them free lemonade and cake. Once the leaders are all assembled, they laugh so hard at Batman & Robin's costumes that they drop all of their weapons. Next thing you know, BAM, POW, SPLAT . . . the Caped Crusaders have tied them all up with bat ropes. Batman and Robin then proceed to torture them with bad puns (an act expressly prohibited by the Geneva Convention) until all the leaders agree to world peace.

Robin: "Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!"
Batman: "I wasn't scared in the least."
Robin: "Not at all?"
Batman: "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?"
Robin: "Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!"
Batman: "I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."

Ronald Reagan: Relevant quote: "Well, there you go again."

Reagan . . . uh wait . . . was he a fictional character or a real person? I get so confused.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Relevant quote: "Come on, we fight monsters, this is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat them up, and they go away."

Is there anything more to say? Buffy goes to the Mideast, saves her friends who have somehow managed to get captured, kicks butt, and the bad guys on both sides slink back home never to fight again.

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