Through use of a top secret new means of time travel, JudgeB News Wire has obtained a copy of the September 5, 2020 "Where Are They Now" edition of People Magazine. We provide some of the highlights for your reading pleasure.


Condoleezza Rice: The 2008 Republican nominee for president, who was forced to drop out of the race after embarrassing photos of a ménage a trois with George & Laura Bush surfaced on the Internet, is now in her fifth year as the Commissioner of the National Football League. Working closely with former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is chief legal counsel to the NFL, Rice has had a controversial tenure racked with accusations that she favors the richer, more established teams. Among the more controversial rules drafted by Gonzales and implemented by Rice are the "Pre-emptive strike" where the first team on the field can start its offense even if the referee has not officially started the game, and the "Gatorade Dunk" where the team that is behind at half-time is allowed to hold the opposing quarterback's head in a barrel of Gatorade to try to find out the team's game plan before the start of the second half, as long as the quarterback does not actually drown.


Sylvester Stallone: Now filming Rocky X, in which Rocky and Apollo Creed enter the steel cage for a cribbage Alberto GonzalesAlberdeath match for the championship of the Bel Harbour Retirement Home. ("Adrian! Adrian! Where's the Metamucil?")

Osama bin Laden: Living comfortably on his CIA pension on the French Riviera.

Katherine Harris: After losing badly in the 2006 Congressional race, Harris went on to become an Olympic figure skating judge. She became embroiled in a judging scandal at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver when she was accused of manipulating the scoring in favor of the U.S. skaters. She now works as a skating commentator for Fox News, where she is considered fair and unbiased.

The Rolling Stones: Now in the midst of their 25th Annual Farewell Tour, Mick and the boys have re-worked some of their famous songs, including "Walking Jack Flash," "Let's Spend the Nap Together, "Satisfaction Is A Bowel Movement," "My 19th Colonoscopy," "Can't You Hear Me Fallin'," and "Street Shuffling Man."

Karl Rove: Runs a Madison Avenue ad agency famous for a Burger King campaign accusing Ronald McDonald of being a child molester ("the fiend behind the funny nose").

Dick Cheney: The former Vice-President returned to work at Halliburton in 2009. After Halliburton and its pension plan suddenly went bankrupt (see below), Cheney has been forced to live on social security and Medicare. When contacted recently about his plight, Cheney's only comment was "What f**king as**ole designed this @#$!!$# prescription plan?"

George Bush: The former President became CEO of Halliburton in 2009. Within two years the company was bankrupt. Bush then attempted to buy the Dallas Cowboys, but NFL Commissioner Rice blocked the sale saying "I am not letting that idiot near any of my teams!" The ex-President now spends most of his time at his presidential library in Crawford, Texas working on his memoirs. Asked about his post-White House life, Bush said, "It's all good. That Halliburton stuff, that was just one of those things of being in the right place at the right time. . . I mean being in the wrong . . . of being in place. Coulda happened to anybody. Coulda happened to you or me, well it did happen to me but that means it coulda happened to me too, I mean if it did then it coulda and if it coulda then it did you know what I mean?"

Tom Cruise: The former box office star . . . wait . . . who really cares?

Oprah Winfrey: After completing her second term of office, former U.S. President Winfrey and her Secretary of the Interior Martha Stewart opened a bed and breakfast Inn in Cape Cod. Business has been good despite reported tensions between the two about the best way to fold down the sheets