OF COURSE CONGRESS DESERVED THE RAISE!

Ok. Time to open up the mailbag and answer the burning political questions of the day.

Dear Judge, Given your esteemed position at the Ridgemont Maximum Security Mental Hospital, it is really important for me to know whether you think Congress deserved the pay raise they just gave themselves. Yours truly, Michael

Dear Michael,

Of course Congress deserves the raise! Do you know how difficult it is to survive on the paltry $165,000 base salary they get? Oh sure, they might get the occasional free junket to France, and the odd $100,000 cash to put in the freezer, but really -- $165K just does not buy what it used to. I mean, back in the day that might have bought you some pretty decent wheels, but now it barely covers a new Mercedes-Benz CL 600.

And don't forget how hard they are working for their salaries! Ok, they are on track to work the fewest days of any Congress in the last 60 years but consider the weighty matters they have been tackling: gay marriage, flag burning, English as an official language . . . come on, this is money well spent!

The Judge

PS Dig the mask

Dear Judge, Do you think it is hypocritical for Congress to give themselves a raise while refusing to raise the minimum wage? I work as a repo man and can barely get enough together for a shrimp cocktail, so it seems pretty lame to me. Otto Maddox

Dear Otto,

Youre comparing apples to oranges. You can not compare the value to society of a rich member of the corporate elite with that of a poor working stiff like yourself. I mean who are we going to reward: the one who keeps the economy rolling along by giving his friends big tax breaks so they have more disposable income to spend on Jack Abramhoff, or the loser at the bottom of the food chain. No contest on this one.

The Judge

Dear Judge, Are you really a judge, or do you just play one on the Internet? Signed, Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,

Well, this is not a political question, but given the huge number of people who ask, yes I am a real judge. In fact, I am a Grandmaster Official Tertiary of the Bullfrog Society (GOT BS), and I am certified to judge bullfrog competitions at the highest international level. And I want to take this opportunity to say that those nasty rumors about me being involved in the tragic incidents at last years National Championships are completely unfounded. I had nothing to do with the fact that the apparent winner, Georgious Bushshit II, was run over by a Mack truck while taking a hard right out of the convention center. I was nowhere near Bushshit when it happened, and if I was near it wasnt that near, and besides I didn't even know there was a truck there and it is a pure coincidence that a shoe that resembles the one I was wearing that day was seen kicking Bushshit's butt. So let's just squelch that rumor right now!

The Judge

Dear Judge, Would you ever sleep with some random stranger you met on MySpace? Signed, Secret Admirer

Dear Secret Admirer,

Again, not a political question, but one I get all the time. Go back and read my profile. Didn't you see the part about me being happily married? So STOP asking me to sleep with you! (NOTE: if you are Natalie Portman disregard the previous sentence. Or Sonja Braga. But if youre Angelina Jolie the whole Billy Bob thing was just too scary so you go away too. Now if you are Brad Pitt . . .)

The Judge

Dear Judge, Can you explain the difference between the Carl Levin sponsored Democratic plan for Iraq and the Bush plan? Signed, Confused in Iowa

Dear Confused in Iowa,

Sure. Levin's plan, backed by most Senate democrats, would have required the President to begin withdrawing troops once he decided the military situation warranted it. The Bush plan does not require him to do anything. So the difference is that the Levin plan would have been the Senate telling Bush to do whatever he wants, while the Bush plan is him telling himself to do whatever he wants. Got it?

The Judge

Dear Judge, Can you tell me who to vote for in 2008 if the choice is between Hillary Clinton and John McCain? Singed Anxious Voter

Dear Anxious Voter,

Tough call. On the one hand you have a pro-war hawk who has sponsored a law to make flag burning a federal crime, supports the federal death penalty, and who has adopted a more conservative position on immigration than George Bush, and on the other hand you have McCain. Can you give me another choice?

The Judge

Dear Judge, Are you as appalled as we are that the Attorney General is threatening to prosecute the New Your Times for publishing stories about NSA spying and the administration prying into bank records? Signed ERIC LICHTBLAU and JAMES RISEN.

Dear Eric & James,

Of course not! You reporters have to realize that there is a war against nouns going on. In the context of that war, the first amendment will just have to sit this one out. Look, the President has assured us that they are only looking at the records and listening to the phone calls of the bad guys, and if you can not trust the President, then who can you trust? So lay off until we get this noun war over okay?

Thats all the time for the mailbag today Readers. Check back for more later!

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SEARS TOWER "TERRORISTS"

Washington D.C. a JudgeB Newswire exclusive

Today a highly placed source in the Justice Department leaked key background information on the 7 terrorists accused of plotting to blow up the Sears Tower. The information calls into question the accuracy of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' statements concerning the alleged plot.

The Justice Department source provided to JudgeB Newswire a transcript of a secretly taped conversation from the White House oval office. It seems that some bugging equipment was left over from the Nixon administration, unbeknownst to President Bush. The following is a selected portion of the transcript. The speakers are Karl Rove (R), FBI Director Robert Mueller (M), and President Bush (B).

R: Dammit Bob, we need some help here! Ws numbers suck and we didn't get enough bump from the Iraqi junket. What we need is something to really shake the sheep up. Haven't you learned anything useful from all the wiretaps?

B: Don't be so hard on him Turd Blossom. Don't forget the taps got us the lead on that hot land deal.

M: Thanks Chief. Look Karl, I've been thinking about this and I think I have an angle. We've been monitoring some suspicious groups and with a little nudge from us I think we could work up a "home grown terrorist" angle.

R: Perfect! Nothing will scare the shit out of them better than that! Tell me about some of these groups.

M: Well there's this group called the Raging Grannies out in Seattle. Sing a lot of pinko songs. Clearly al-Qaeda sympathizers. Well, they never actually mention al-Qaeda, but the signs are there.

R: Bob, are we talking actual grandmothers?

M: Well, yeah.

R: Are you nuts! I can get people to believe a lot -- look at the whole WMD story -- but grandmothers? -- that's too much. What else you got.

M: There's this group in Atlanta that call themselves the Southern Resistance. We have some great tapes of them trashing the troops, blaming 9/11 on the CIA, and swearing allegiance to the Koran. Hundreds of hours of cell phone calls.

R: Sounds promising. Any weaknesses for us?

M: Well . . . they are all still in grade school.

B: What is America coming to. Grade school kids with unlimited cell phone minutes!

R: There must be something better than this Bob.

M: Let's see. We've got a group of inmates at a mental hospital in Kansas talking about blowing up pigs in solidarity with the Muslims. There's this couple in Detroit raising money for Iraqi war orphans, but it could be a front since some of the orphans might be children of al-Qaeda members. Oh, and there's this group down in Miami that we heard have been planning some sort of ground invasion of the US.

R: A what?

M: Yeah, thats what I thought. But look, they live in Liberty City which is where some of the 9/11 hijackers stayed. They are self-proclaimed followers of radical Islam. And the neighbors say they hang out wearing Ninja costumes at all hours of the night outside this warehouse. I think we can work with this.

R: Do they have any weapons? Explosives?

M: No, but we could offer to sell them some.

R: Are they from Iraq? Any ties to al-Qaeda?

M: Uh . . . no. Five are U.S. citizens, one is a legal resident, and the seventh is an illegal from Haiti. No ties to al-Qaeda.

R: This is the best you've got?

M: Well, I like going after the Raging Grannies myself . . .

R: NO! We'll have to go with these Miami Ninja warriors. But the land invasion thing is not going to fly. We need to think of a plausible target.

B: How about the Oakland Coliseum? I hate the way those A's keep beating up on my Rangers.

R: Just ignore him Bob, I do. I was thinking we should make it some big building, maybe in the Midwest so we can spread the fear

M: Well the Sears Tower is the tallest building in the US.

B: It is?

R: Good idea, Bob. You think you can get an undercover guy in there to plant this idea?

M: No problem. You offer these guys a little notoriety and money, and we can get them to say anything on tape.

R: Alright. Do it. The only question is whether to pull the trigger on this now or wait until closer to the mid-term. Hmmm . . . hell, lets do it now before the damn numbers get any lower.

M: Im on it.

B: Listen, Bob. If youre sending a man down to Miami could you have him get me an order of stone crab from Joes? Jeb never sends me any.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

When asked about the above tape at a news conference today, President Bush denied the conversation ever took place. "Look," Bush said, "I would know if I was there and I was in on this whole conversation thing. But I was not there and I was not in on any conversation and so I don't know anything. Or nothing. I think this is one of those 'known unknowns' that Rummy is always talking about. I do like stone crab though."

In a related development, the Justice Department announced today that 5 members of the "Al Kady for Commissioner" committee had been arrested on charges of being a front for al-Qaeda. Mr. Kady, who is running for water commissioner of Scott County, Iowa, denied any ties to terrorists. White House spokesman Tony Snow responded, "That's what they all say."