The Judge Says

Sometimes satirical, usually political, always with a progressive bent.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Job Interview (Apologies to Monty Python)

Scene: inside of an anonymous looking concrete building in Washington D.C. think utilitarian 60's architecture. Bob, dressed impeccably in his best grey flannel suit, walks down the hall under flickering fluorescent lights. He comes to a door marked "United States Dept. of Torture a Subdivision of Halliburton" and walks in. Seated behind a plain metal desk is a man in a black suit.


Bob: Good morning. I've come about the job.

Man in the Black Suit: Job, what job?

Bob: The one you advertised in the paper.

Man in the Black Suit: We didn't advertise a position.

Bob: Is this room 666?

Man in the Black Suit: Yes.

Bob: Right then. The ad said "Experienced torturers wanted. Several openings. Must be willing to relocate to Eastern Europe. Apply Room 666." So, I'm here to apply.

Man in the Black Suit: There must be some mistake. We don't hire torturers. Why, I never heard of such a ridiculous thing. (Looks around nervously)

Bob: What about the sign on the door then?

Man in the Black Suit: Sign? There's no sign on the door.

Bob: There most certainly is.

Man in the Black Suit: There most certainly is not.

Bob: Oh yes there is. Big as life. A right proper sign with letters and words and everything.

Man in the Black Suit: Look, who works in this office me or you?

Bob: You, I suppose, although I can't say I've seen you do any work.

Man in the Black Suit: Right then, if I am the one working here then I should know whether there is a sign on the door, and I say there isn't.

Bob walks over to the door, opens it and points at the sign.

Bob: Here now, what's this then?

Man in the Black Suit pulls a screwdriver from his desk drawer, walks over to the door and removes the sign. He puts the sign and the screwdriver in his drawer.

Man in the Black Suit: What's what? I don't see a thing.

Bob shakes his head.

Bob: So you're not looking to hire an experienced torturer then?

Man in the Black Suit: Of course not!

Bob starts to get up.

Man in the Black Suit: Hang on a minute. Did you say you were an experienced torturer?

Bob: Oh yes, quite experienced. Just ask my three ex-wives. Ha ha -- that was just a joke. No, I didn't really torture my ex-wives. Well, not all of them anyway. Just kidding! Now my neighbors, that's a different story. Right bunch of wankers deserved everything they got! Especially that wanky Dennis Moore. Now if ever there was a wanker deserved torturing it was that bastard!

Man in the Black Suit: Yes, yes, I'm sure. Tell me, what would you say are your strengths as a torturer?

Bob: Sorry, what did you say?

Man in the Black Suit: I said, what would you say are your strengths as a torturer?

Bob: Well I'm really quite good at dragging my fingernails across a blackboard. Oh yes, quite good at that.

Man in the Black Suit: Dragging your fingernails across a blackboard? You call that torture!?!

Bob: It is really quite effective, particularly if you follow it up with Barry Manilow karaoke.

Man in the Black Suit: No, no that won't do at all. The Geneva Convention specifically prohibits the use of any Barry Manilow songs.

Bob: Well I'm also quite good with bubble gum.

Man in the Black Suit: Bubble gum!?! How is that torture?

Bob: Have you ever tried to get it out of your hair? Let me tell you that is real torture!

Man in the Black Suit: This is ridiculous!

Bob: Not a pretty sight either I can tell you. Especially the grape flavor. That purple food coloring just ruins all of the highlights. Have to use a special shampoo to get that out, oh yes not an easy thing at all. And if you make the mistake of mixing the grape and the strawberry flavors? Well . . .

Man in the Black Suit (interrupting): Look, if this were an office that had anything to do with torture, which it isn't, and if we were hiring, which we aren't, I'm afraid you just would not be qualified for a position. Blackboards and bubble gum indeed!

Bob: Not qualified! I'll have you know I have spent the past 5 years as a telemarketer!

Man in the Black Suit: Well why didn't you say so in the first place old chap! Here, I know I have an application in here somewhere.

Man in the Black Suit rummages through desk.

Man in the Black Suit: Here we are. Just need you to sign this loyalty oath and the form attesting that you do not know anyone working at the New York Times, and then give me some proof of citizenship and you're on your way.

Bob: Citizenship! Well, that's an awful lot to ask.

Man in the Black Suit: Oh, you must be a citizen to work here I'm afraid.

Bob: Hang on -- I contributed money to the President's re-election campaign!

Man in the Black Suit: Well, just this once then I suppose. It's just a piece of paper after all.

************************

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Rest of the Bush-Blair Transcript

Washington, D.C. a JudgeB Newswire exclusive

As has widely been reported a microphone picked up off the record comments between President Bush and Prime Minister Blair at a G-8 luncheon. Many sources have published transcripts of the conversation. However, there were several parts of the tape that were inaudible.

But then the technicians at The Center for Making Inaudible Things Audible got a copy of the tape. Through their use of sophisticated computer audio enhancement techniques, they have provided us with the following additional transcript. This part picks up right after Bush tells Blair that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will be sent to the Mid-East to address the current crisis.

Blair: You always give her the best assignments!

Bush: Now don't get your panties all bunched up. I gotta make her look good to help in getting her the 2008 presidential nomination.

Blair: I understand that, but you have to help me out here George. I'm sinking in the ratings too!

Bush: You want to take Canada back? Cuz we won't stand in the way if you do. Frankly I'm a little tired of everyone saying their health care system is better.

Blair: No that won't do. I don't want to have to deal with that whole Quebec headache. Let me take the lead on this latest Mid-East problem.

Bush: Well I'm sorry, Ton, but I can't let you do that. I've already told you I've promised Condi she can take the lead.

Blair: This isn't about politics, is it George. This is about you and her.

Bush: Now Ton, you know that isn't true. All those rumors are just idle gossip.

Blair: Really George? Don't forget I was at Camp David the night the two of you went for your little moonlit walk. It looked to me like you were invading more than Iraq that night.

Bush: Now that's just cold.

Blair: I'm sorry George. It's just that, since you started up with her you never call any more. Have you forgotten those wonderful nights at last year's G-8? Am I just a memory George?

Bush: Aw come on Ton. You know you'll always be the Big Dog with me.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Government Shuts Down Blog







ATTENTION: This Blog has been suspended by order of the Department of Homeland Security! The owner of this blog has violated the US Patriot Act by abusing his so-called right to free speech by questioning Administration policy, and by repeatedly describing the President as an inarticulate toad.

If you are reading this notice, or have ever read this blog, you must report to the nearest Office of Homeland Security within 24 hours.

Please bring the following documents with you (NOTE: if you have donated at least $10,000 to each of President Bush's election campaigns we will assume you stumbled across this blog by accident and you can skip steps 1 - 3) otherwise, bring:

1) your original social security card
2) a copy of your birth certificate
3) letters from five US citizens who have known you for at least 20 years and who can attest to your good moral character.

Additionally, if your family has not lived in the United States for at least three (3) generations, please bring a family tree showing every ancestor going back to 1800. The tree should identify country of birth and political affiliation for each ancestor.

Please de advised that if you are a Muslim, look like a Muslim, have ever talked to a Muslim, or have ever sat next to a Muslim in a public place you will be detained until a complete background check has been completed.

If you are now or have ever been a member of the ACLU, Amnesty International, Greenpeace, PETA, People for the American Way, the SPCA , any labor union, the Ellen Degeneres Fan Club, a book group that has read anything by Kurt Vonnegut, or any of the 162,165 groups noted on our Subversive Groups list* please be prepared to renounce your membership immediately. Failure to do so will require further detention and meetings with our Re-education Committee.

* For a complete list of those groups designated as subversive go here

By order of:



Michael Chertoff
Secretary of Homeland Security

The Department of Homeland Security: Protecting the Rights We Think You Should Have Since 2001

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Truth About Kenneth Lay's Death

The Truth About Kenneth Lay

As regular readers of my MySpace blog know, I am not a big fan of conspiracy theories. Nonetheless, even I get suspicious when a series of "coincidences" are just too convenient. Take the case of the "death" of Kenneth Lay.

Don't you find it a little odd that on the day the space shuttle Discovery finally launches the Lay family announces that he has "passed away?" An occurrence that, if true, would save the family from financial ruin?

(Lay's Death Complicates Efforts to Seize Assets
By SIMON ROMERO
In yet another bizarre twist to the Enron saga, the sudden death of Kenneth L. Lay may have spared his survivors financial ruin.
http://www.nytimes.com/)

And add in the fact that, as well reported in numerous blogs today, Vice President Cheney has invested somewhere between 10 - 25 million dollars in European bonds. (An aside: how can he not know whether it is 10 or 25 million? I mean, we aren't talking pocket change even for the rich!) You may ask: what does that have to do with anything? Well, read on: what is Discovery's mission? To test shuttle-inspection techniques, deliver supplies to the international space station and drop off European Space Agency astronaut Thomas Reiter for a six-month stay.

Hmmm. "Thomas Reiter" eh. Why wouldn't NASA release a photo "Reiter?" Because it wasn't him on the shuttle!

Here is what I think happened. Lay was about to be sentenced to what would, in practical terms, be a life sentence in prison. Sources inside the Justice Department said Lay was about to offer up Cheney in return for home detention. Cheney got wind of this and, of course, needed to get Lay out of the way. Cheney tried to get Lay to go hunting with him, but Lay was too smart for that. His fall back position: fake Lay's death.

The millions Cheney supposedly invested in European bonds went to Thomas Reiter and his family as hush money. They are now living in an undisclosed villa in the south of France.
Lay and his family went along with it because it is the only way to keep the family fortune from being seized by the Feds. And Lay decided he would prefer life aboard the international space station to being locked in a cell with Bubba and his friends in the event his attempted plea deal failed.

So there you have it. The truth about the "death" of Kenneth Lay. You read it here first.